if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
