heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
