Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
