Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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