Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
