Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
