did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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