I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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