Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
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