you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
