my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
