you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
