u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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