I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
