your parents love me but you hate me
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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