I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
