My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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