I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize