I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Randomize
