Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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