So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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