Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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