why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
