It's Friday. Sex?
I puked a lego.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
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