I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
