1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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