I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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