she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
