you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
