I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
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