I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
