i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize