shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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