I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
