I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
