In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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