Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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