fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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