Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
