shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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