happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
