"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
