Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I think people are normalizing furries
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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