dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
