I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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