I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just forgot I was standing up.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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