just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
be right there i have to get my cape
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
FUCK WHALES
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
