Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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