why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
