Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
