dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
