Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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