there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
