my mouth tastes like poor choices
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
