Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
