Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
she looked like the before picture.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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