If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
