she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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