i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
