handjob tips. give me some.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
