How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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