Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
the raccoons are back...
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