haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I haven't been this sober since birth.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
