Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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