shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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