Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
