I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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