I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
